VOIDOUT

I have entered a void in my life that I do not believe there is an easy escape from (if any). Like many things in life, I did not know this event had occurred until I was in the middle of it. Everywhere I look in my life I see nothing but pain, darkness, despair, bitterness, lies, betrayal, fear, misunderstanding, abandonment, and idolatry.

I do NOT feel anymore. I cannot afford to. I do not feel love. I do not feel joy. I do not feel excitement. I don't know what the Hell "fun" is. Laughter is usually forced. Comedy has to be really dark or intellectual. Entertainment is a foreign concept. There is no rest. I haven't felt "good" in many years. I don't know how to talk to people. I try to ignore them, tell them what they want to hear, or keep whatever bullshit facade going because "that's the thing to do". I avoid everyone at every given opportunity. I deactivated all my social media, bought a house on the edge of town, do not go out anymore unless I really need to, only reply to things when directly asked to, and make no attempt to carry on a conversation. Some people are obsessed with making robots as human as possible. I am  a human obsessed with becoming robotic as possible. You cannot feel the pain of loss if you don't allow yourself to connect with anyone in the first place. So, I'm out... I can try to provide you whatever it is you think I can provide, but please don't expect me to be asking for the same in return. I would rather crash, burn, and die and say "Where the Hell was so-and-so!?" than ask for help. I have had to do everything on my own so far in this damn life; I see no reason why that would change now. I am alone in my own universe, apparently unable to be loved, wanted, understood, talked to, or comforted.            

I don't think I really enjoy being a cold, quiet, callous, hard-hearted bastard. It is however my most honest identity. Unfortunately, this has pushed people that I came to care about that didn't understand away. Some of them though (much to my annoyance) have specifically stated that they will "continue to love me until I am ready to open up". Well, game on friend... To quote Elliot Alderson from Mr. Robot:

"There are some people out there… And it doesn’t happen a lot. It’s rare. But they refuse to let you hate them. In fact, they care about you in spite of it. And the really special ones, they’re relentless at it. Doesn’t matter what you do to them. They take it and care about you anyway. They don’t abandon you, no matter how many reasons you give them. No matter how much you’re practically begging them to leave. And you wanna know why? Because they feel something for me that I can’t… They love me."

 

Am I a lost cause going through the motions? Possibly.

I still care about things, but they are few and far between.

One really odd, interesting, and slightly amusing thing about all of this is that someone recently noticed my downward spiral. They said I lost that "spark" and that they hoped I found it again soon. As if I had much of a spark to begin with.

Do I often wish I was dead or have more use in the next life? Yes. 

Am I forbidden from expediting my access to the next life? Also yes (much to my frustration).

I don't know what the Hell I'm doing here anymore. I am going to continue to do my own thing until this life FINALLY claims me. The idea of a wife, family, meaningful work, respect in the community, and relationship with God is as good as dead.

Everything is null and void.